Maduro Speaks with His Wife Aboard the HHS Iwo Jima
Last night Venezuelan strongman Nicolas Maduro and his wife Cilia Flores were taken captive by the Americans aboard the U.S.S. Iwo Jima. This morning they were allowed 15 minutes to talk.
Cilia:
I thought we were safe. You said there were metal doors. No windows. No one knew where we were.
Nicolás:
Someone always knows. That’s the first rule of power.
Cilia:
Don’t philosophize now. This is not the time for your lectures. We were disappeared, Nicolás. We perfected disappearance.
Nicolás:
You’re so good.
Cilia:
This had to be the military. You trusted them too much.
Nicolás:
I distrusted them evenly. That’s different.
Cilia:
You let them keep their villas. Their daughters in Madrid. I warned you about Madrid.
Nicolás:
Everyone has a Madrid. Even you.
Cilia:
My Madrid was Paris, and I gave it up.
Nicolás:
You never forgive me for that.
(A distant hum of engines. The ship subtly vibrates.)
Cilia:
Do you know what humiliates me most?
Nicolás:
That it was General Traision who betrayed us?
Cilia:
Yes. I slept with him for nothing. Well, not nothing.
Nicolas:
Do you remember our first apartment?
Cilia:
The one with the bad water pressure?
Nicolás:
The one where we believed things still mattered.
Cilia:
Things still matter. Just not to us anymore.
Nicolás:
Would you have done anything differently?
Cilia:
Yes. Leave earlier.
Nicolás:
Together?
Cilia:
Separately.
Nicolás:
Do you think history will forgive us?
Cilia:
History doesn’t forgive. It just edits.
(A knock on the door. A voice, polite, American.)
Voice:
Ten minutes.
Cilia:
Look at us. Fifteen minutes, and we still couldn’t agree on who betrayed whom.
Nicolás:
That’s a marriage. Do you know where we are?
Cilia:
A boat.
Nicolás:
Not a boat. A symbol.
Cilia:
Everything is a symbol to you revolutionaries.
Nicolás:
I recognized the smell immediately.
Cilia:
What smell?
Nicolás:
Imperialist air conditioning.
(Pause)
What do you think he’ll say to me?
Cilia:
Who?
Nicolás:
You know who.
Cilia:
He’ll say your name wrong on purpose. Then he’ll say it again louder. Then he’ll ask if you’re enjoying the ship.
Nicolás:
And then?
Cilia:
Then he’ll call someone else in to say the serious thing.
(A guard passes the window slit. Sound of boots. Chewing gum.)
Cilia:
Tell me the truth.
Nicolás:
Which one?
Cilia:
Nicolás! Get real — what are we going to do? What will the country do?
Nicolás:
Not much. The only thing between a strong Venezuela and a weak one was me.
Cilia:
So you were the entire army?
Nicolás:
And the navy.
Cilia:
And the air force?
Nicolás:
Well. Most of it.
Cilia:
We could appeal to the United Nations.
Nicolás:
They’ll send letters.
Cilia:
Official letters.
Nicolás:
With stamps.
Cilia:
Perhaps signed by someone European.
Nicolás:
And then forwarded to Viral TikTok.
(A beep. A crewmember wheels by a tablet playing Trump’s press conference.)
Cilia:
He said we’ll “run the country.” Like we were slackers.
Nicolás:
Did he mean literally run it? A marathon? They could use water stations.
Cilia:
Let’s keep focused.
Nicolás:
Fine. What should we say?
Cilia:
We should stick to one story. You were captured. I was not. That’s a good plot twist.
Nicolás:
I like plot twists.
Cilia:
Remember, the public will want a dramatic story.
Nicolás:
Dramatic?
Cilia:
Yes. Something like: “It all began with a missing empanada recipe.”
Nicolás:
Actually, I do think the empanadas were stolen.
Cilia:
General Traición ate them. And then betrayed us.
Nicolás:
This might be true.
(A horn sounds. The door unlatches.)
Guard (offstage):
Maduro. Five minutes.
Cilia:
So Nicolas . . the money?
Nicolás:
Which money?
Cilia:
The money.
Nicolás:
Oh. That money.
Cilia:
The money that was not technically drug money.
Nicolás:
Correct. It was logistics money.
Cilia:
Logistics that smelled like cocaine.
Nicolás:
Many legal products smell like cocaine.
Cilia:
Name one.
Nicolás:
Miami.
Cilia:
The generals flipped.
Nicolás:
Of course they flipped. They were rotational generals.
Cilia:
You paid them in dollars.
Nicolás:
Because they don’t trust the bolívar.
Cilia:
Because you destroyed the bolívar.
Nicolás:
I liberated it from expectations.
Cilia:
Do you know what hurts most?
Nicolás:
The betrayal?
Cilia:
No. I was scheduled for a massage today. What will life be like in the United States?
Nicolás:
Temporary housing.
Cilia:
A prison.
Nicolás:
A federal prison.
Cilia:
Do they have a masseuse?
Nicolás:
Yes, but he’ll be high on drugs.
Cilia:
Will there be other leaders there?
Nicolás:
Oh yes. It will be very social. You’ll meet everyone you sanctioned.
Cilia:
Wonderful. A reunion tour. Do they let you keep your watches?
Nicolás:
Only if they stop time.
Cilia:
What about the trial?
Nicolás:
Long.
Cilia:
Public?
Nicolás:
Extremely.
Cilia:
Televised?
Nicolás:
Clipped for TikTok.
Cilia:
With captions?
Nicolás:
Cruel ones.
Cilia:
What will you plead?
Nicolás:
Confused.
Cilia:
That’s not a plea.
Nicolás:
It’s worked for years.
(Pause.)
Cilia:
What about the Americans “running” Venezuela?
Nicolás:
They’ll jog along for six months. Trip over history. Blame socialism. Install consultants.
Cilia:
And leave?
Nicolás:
Eventually.
Cilia:
So… just like us.
(They nod.)
Cilia:
If they offer witness protection—
Nicolás:
—absolutely not—
Cilia:
—hear me out—
Nicolás:
—I will not live in Ohio—
Cilia:
—what if it’s Florida?
(He pauses.)
Nicolás:
Do they have good empanadas?
Cilia:
They have cocaine with better branding.
Cilia:
Do you think the Republicans are enjoying this?
Nicolás:
Of course. They have excellent memories for South American dictators.
Cilia:
That feels personal.
Nicolás:
It’s not personal. It’s tradition. They love strongmen—as long as they’re strong for America.
Cilia:
This is it, then. Captured. Disgraced. Extradited.
Nicolás:
Relax.
Cilia:
Relax?
Nicolás:
It’s the age of social media.
Cilia:
That’s not comforting.
Nicolás:
All I need is one good mug shot.
Cilia:
A mug shot?
Nicolás:
Yes. Strong lighting. Jaw slightly forward. Eyes saying: I regret nothing except foreign intervention.
Cilia:
You think that turns this around?
Nicolás:
Absolutely. Scowl goes viral. Hashtag: FreeMaduro.
Cilia:
You are not Nelson Mandela.
Nicolás:
No, but I am very meme-able.
Cilia:
This is a federal indictment.
Nicolás:
Even better. Nothing builds a brand like publicity.
Cilia:
What if the photo is bad?
Nicolás:
Then I blame the deep state.
Cilia:
What if you smile?
Nicolás:
Never smile. Smile is guilt. Scowl is ideology.
(Door opens.)
Guard:
OK Maduro, time’s up.
Cilia:
And the orange jumpsuit?
Nicolás:
Very populist.
(She stares at him.)
Cilia:
You’re enjoying this.
Nicolás:
No. I’m pivoting. Hopefully they shoot from the left. That’s my authoritarian side.
(He practices the scowl.)
Cilia:
Unbelievable.
Nicolás:
History is written by the victors. But the algorithm decides the thumbnails.
(They’re escorted out of the cell.)
Nicolás (as he walks out):
If this works, I want merch. And a meme coin!