From Climate Change to Economic Growth, Developing the Democratic and Republican Party Platforms

A satiric take on America's two parties

A friend called me this week in an awkward predicament. Some colleagues have asked her to advise them on the Democratic Party Platform. Now that we know for sure that the two presidential candidates in America will be two ole fuddy duds, the parties must write their party platforms heading into their conventions in the summer. Just what do they stand for?

And what’s my friend's predicament? Let us call her Ellen. Well, some of Ellen’s other associates have asked her to do the same for the Republican Party Platform. She’s some kind of nonpartisan political guru who does lots of focus groups.

So we got to chatting the other night, and I was like, “Hey, what’s the problem if you don’t tell the left hand what the right is doing? Why can’t you live up to your nonpartisan reputation?”

She then sent me the following email and said I could share it around. I do not know why she wants to discuss this with me, but that’s extraneous. The point is she sent me some very interesting thoughts.

Source: GOP.com

She writes, “Could you take a look at my preliminary ideas and give some feedback? Let’s start with the Democratic Party Platform:

1. These are extraordinary times. We must fight to rebuild this nation's soul. Some Beyonce should do the trick.

2. Equality for ants. For a long time, ants have been belittled, burned in their beds, stepped on, and driven over. The new National Ant Agency will be funded to improve their plight. They are not humans, it's true. But we could learn a lot from the social order of ants, where each worker is equal, and the queen is, well, she’s the queen. They demonstrate all the political values of a Democratic Monarchy.

3. Everyone should have equal spare cash in their wallets. We must work hard to ensure that every American always has the same amount of cash in their wallet. This will require AI and all the new apps, but I’ve been told by friends in Silicon Valley that it can be done. And we know they are really the ones in charge of this country.

We must raise the minimum wage. And don’t say inflation is a problem. We can raise the wages of lower-income without raising pay for everyone else. Actually, let’s pass a law. Only wages can be raised, but not prices.

We must strengthen our democracy and control who can be on the ballot.

We must heal our nation’s wounds. We’ll have a national Band-Aid campaign that provides free bandages sent by the government for anyone who has had a juicy scrape.

The climate crisis and the obesity epidemic are real. If you have an unhealthy body mass index, you must get on a treadmill and generate 100 kilowatts of clean energy.

Climate science is real. And so are all the sciences, including physics. Determinism is real. Because Sam Harris and Steven Pinker have said so. And they are smart. We cannot be complacent. Even if a warming planet is inevitable due to determinism, we must do our best to fight it.

We must provide a world-class STEM education to every child in every zip code, but not to the Native Americans because they should be teaching us, and they don’t like STEM. This education must include Western Civilization and Eastern and North by Northwestern. Every latitude and longitude has something to teach us.

And now to the Republican Party Platform:

We must fight to rebuild the soul of this nation. How about some country music? Beyonce should do the trick.

We must hold on like grim death to the party platform we had in 2016 because that was Trump’s Party Platform. America owes Our Dear Leader, Current President Trump, a victory after all the lawsuits he has suffered on our behalf. May he be president for life! AND FOR THE AFTERLIFE!!

Republicans believe in liberty, except for those who are transgender or newly impregnated women or gay or . . . whatever the Liberals are for. Then we must shut that down. When you don’t know what you want, it’s best to be against the Liberals because they always know what they want. And that’s never good.

Republicans are for stimulating economic growth. Trump only has perfect policies.

Republicans are for a strong military, so we can stand firmly on Putin’s side. President Trump is favored by Kim Jong Il. What more could we want? We will build on this great friendship and not on those European Countries who make us feel stupid.

Our party was founded in 1854 to end slavery. We get black people, and we don’t think they should be slaves. At least most of us don’t. At least some of us don’t. A couple of us don’t.

Abraham Lincoln was our first president, but we’ve canceled him because we think states like Texas should be able to secede and not have to follow Supreme Court decisions about the border.

All of this is to say that whatever Donald Trump TWEETS is our party platform.”

I was very proud of my friend and told her I had no additional comments. She nailed it. Right?