Think of yourself as the Oracle, the Ubermensch. That other person is lucky to be in your holy and creative presence. Your counterpart in conversation is not your equal.
Don’t ask any questions. Questions are for sissies. If you do have to ask a question, make sure it’s rhetorical and not designed to make the other person shine. When someone else is talking, you are losing.
Get loud. The greater the volume, the greater the idea.
Don’t ever tell stories or jokes. Telling stories and jokes can relax your counterpart’s mind and give him pleasure. The goal of conversation is to dominate and inflict pain on him.
Know everything. Maybe you don’t, but act like you do. State all of your opinions as though they are facts. Nietzsche would have. Since there is no certainty in the world, it doesn’t matter that you don’t preface your statements with “it could be” or “perhaps.” These words are redundant. Uncertainty is the crack in your battlement through which the enemy may enter, and if the other person knows something you don’t, change the subject immediately. And never say “I don’t know.” This is the worst string of words in the English language and leads to discovery and open-ended babble.
Don’t ever put yourself in the other person’s shoes. They need to put themselves in your shoes. Because your shoes are way more fashionable.
Listen closely for errors. While the other person is speaking, do not waste precious mental resources trying to understand what is meant. Search for the weakest sentence. Preferably a minor factual error. Once you find it, pounce. If someone is telling you about the death of her father and gets the years of the Iraq War wrong, you know what to do.
Interrupt often. This demonstrates enthusiasm, intelligence, and your cardiovascular fitness.
Finish the other person’s sentences. You already know what they’re going to say better than they do.
Never allow the subject of conversation to be about someone else for more than thirty seconds. The only reason you are going through this tedious process is because you have something to say.
If someone tells a story, tell a better one. If she ran a marathon, you ran an ultramarathon. If her child got into Harvard, your nephew turned Harvard down. If she had cancer . . . be careful here. But not too careful.
Have strong opinions on subjects you encountered eleven seconds ago. The modern world moves quickly. There simply isn’t time to understand things before forming conclusions about them.
Never change your mind in real time. You may change it six months later and pretend you always thought the new thing. But changing your mind while another person is actually watching would give him the dangerous impression that he had contributed.
Beware of silence. Silence creates the possibility that somebody might feel something, or worse, think on their own. It creates a dangerous chance for the beauty of the world to float down and fill you with wonder. Rather, you fill the silence immediately.
Never read anyone else’s rules for conversation. They have most likely not checked in with the right authority. Nor have they posted them on the right app.
15 Rules of Conversation in the Neo-Nietzschean Age
